Conflict

With my new pregnancy (I'm now 18 weeks along) I have found so many added conflicts of interest.  Just when I felt that I had my life semi-balanced between work and son and husband and home I got pregnant and intensly sick.  Not as sick as last time, thankfully, but still sick enough to throw the balance way off kilter again.

   I suppose that I'm probably a perfectionist but I feel like my pregnancies throw me way beyond just "not being perfect".  When I wake up to my son crying in the morning and know he has to wait 15 minutes because I can't move and when we go through weeks of packaged pre-made food and no healthy home made meals it's hard for me to feel like I'm good enough.  I know that God is probably using this to teach me patience and to not expect so much out of myself and I'm attempting to learn it.  I just thought I got the chance to try to learn it last time but I guess I needed a refresher course.:-)

    I was telling my husband the other day that I don't understand why people talk about the "pregnancy glow" and loving the feeling of being pregnant because to me it's worth it because of the baby coming (and baby kicks are fun too:-)) - but not at all because of the "glow"/emotions/etc... His reply was that it's probably just because *my* pregnancies are so rough.:-)  Most days, my 14 month old son seems to understand my lack of energy and adjusts himself accordingly, but sometimes it frustrates me even more because he's frustrated that I can't play with him or help him and I know he doesn't understand what's happening at all.  In retrospect though, I think I take it to heart more than he does.:-) 

     Now that I'm further along I seem to get a clear afternoon break of not being too sick where I can do a little more but that can be frustrating in itself because if I do too much I'm back to the couch and bathroom for a few days and it never feels like I can get enough done.  I suppose that lesson is really what life is all about though, what we can do never is enough.

    And so I close up this post, send up another prayer, and smile at myself.  I'm just glad that I'm not supposed to be able to do everything on my own... and I need to realize that this is just life.:-)